Taking responsibility to maintain mental and emotional well being in our own personal lives is an important part of daily living.
MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
Made
to the Calgary Alberta Stake Relief Society 2014
Stephen D. ZoBell, PhD
I’m glad that one of the devoted and faithful sisters of the
Church chose to marry me. I love Barb
and am so grateful for her support and loyalty.
Elder Holland’s recent General Conference address had a
powerful impact on me. I am thankful for Elder Holland’s bold, self-disclosing way
of raising our awareness about depression and other emotional/mental health
challenges. Over the past 40 years,
numerous General Authorities and General Officers of the Church have provided
understanding and guidance regarding mental and emotional challenges faced by
members. For me, one of the classic
talks on mental health was given by Elder Boyd K. Packer. It is entitled Solving Emotional Problems in
the Lord’s Own Way. Elder Packer’s 1978
ideas on mental health are so powerful to me, that decades later I still apply
many of the concepts he taught. But
there are many other excellent talks that have been given over the years by our
church leaders. I appreciate that many
General Authorities and General Church officers have carefully and sensitively
provided mental health solutions and guidance to members for decades.
Today I would like to discuss the overall concept of mental
and emotional health. Mental health has
a lot to do with how well you can, or cannot, manage your thoughts and
feelings. Closely related to this is how
well you are able to adapt to disappointment, shame, pain or loss. Poor mental health has to do with the
inability to adapt when life changes or disappoints us. Good mental health is closely associated with
how well you can cope when life turns out differently than you expected.
I have a friend who grew up in the Philippines, but wanted to
live in Canada. I’ll call him John. John’s view of Canada was that great
opportunities awaited. Pictures of snow
were particularly enticing to John. It
looked pure, white and peaceful. John
loved snow. At about 28 John arrived in
Canada. He was greeted by a blizzard,
the wind was howling. It was 25
below. He was chilled to the bones, feet
were cold, and he could hardly breathe the cold air. At that moment in time John hated snow. Over the weeks John’s disappointments deteriorated
to anger, blame and withdrawal. Within
two months John had slipped into depression and was ready to move back to the Philippines. He phoned his mother asking her to borrow
money so he could make his escape. But
Mom reminded John of his vision and purpose of being in Canada. John decided to face his challenges, to stay
in Canada and seek solutions. He found a
friend, obtained a job, purchased some warm clothes. John joined a service club. He started adjusting. He learned to cope with the changes. ‘What
do you think about snow now, John?’ 'Well, I used to love it, then I hated it and I now I tolerate it.’
Some of the important questions of mental health are: what do you do when life is hard to
face? What do you do when life does not
turn out the way you wanted it to? What
do you do when you are disappointed, when you are shamed or trying to deal with
losses?
I would like to provide a model of categorizing depression as
well as other mental health challenges. The
profession of mental health has categories of defining mal adjustment. Those categories are: mild, moderate and severe. Mild, moderate and severe provide us with
arbitrary groupings. Sometimes lines and
definitions can be blurred. But it is
helpful to have degreed categories so we can try to determine treatment. So, let’s say you struggle with
depression. We would try to find a
category. Do you have mild depression? Do you have moderate depression? Or do you have severe depression? Or if you, or someone you know, struggles
with anxiety, is it mild, moderate or severe anxiety? These categories can be helpful. However, you will note that they all skew
towards the negative. They all focus on maladjustment. So, for my own purposes, I have added three
other categories that focus on the positive side of mental health. For example, let’s say that hope is the opposite of depression. Certainly, you could have times in your life when
you are mildly, moderately or extremely hopeful. I find it helpful to think of mental health
from positive as well negative perspectives.
If you are enjoying positive mental health what should you do? Well, you could give thanks for the blessed
experience. You could keep doing what
you are doing. Also, you could help
others to move from their negative experiences to more positive thoughts and
emotions. On the other hand, if you are struggling
with negative mental health issues, what should you do? Well, you will want to make changes in your
approach to life. It would be important
to study how to overcome your mental or emotional challenges. You could learn how to discipline your
thoughts and feelings. Or perhaps you
may need to seek outside assistance.
Today I would like to offer ideas on what you can do to
strengthen your personal mental and emotional health. These ideas may also provide some guidance as
you offer assistance to others.
1.
First is Hope.
While on our mission, due to my numerical dyslexia, Barb made all of our
phone calls. In our first month, she
contacted a missionary in Paraguay who needed assistance. He had a North American type name. We assumed, when the Mission President put in
the request, that the missionary spoke English.
When Barb talked to the missionary on the phone, he sounded
distressed. Barb looked at me, shook her
head and whispered: ‘doesn’t speak
English.’ I took the phone asking Barb
to go walk the halls of the Area office until she could find someone to
interpret for me. While waiting, I
scrambled to find something to say to the elder. My Spanish is minimal. The elder is distraught. ‘Momento por favor’ I say. In a frenzy to help this missionary, I
scramble through my red Spanish English book published by the church. I’m looking for any helpful words to say to
this young man. He’s counting on me for
some type of support. At random I open a
page and say the first thing I see. ‘Hay esparanza’, I say, ‘hay esparanza.’ The Elder starts to cry. I look at the translation. What I told him was: ‘there
is hope, there is hope.’ Barb and I
worked with hundreds of missionaries while on our mission. I learned from this early experience to start
and finish each session with Hay Esparanza,
there is hope. It is important for all
of us to know that there is hope. Hope
is the number one ingredient for mental health stability. Hay
esparanza.
2.
Second, we are all bound together in family,
church and social units. To maintain good mental health it is
important to bind yourself with positive rather than negative relationships. In my
professional career with LDSFS, I had the good fortune to participate in the
development of church approved groups. Church approved groups are very rare. The first of such groups that I became aware
of was designed, in the mid to late 1980’s, to assist adults who had suffered
trauma as children. A decade later, I
had the opportunity to contribute towards the development of the church
Addiction Recovery Program. In both
instances, as these groups were developed, the governing leaders of the church
provided clear and concise direction. We
were to ensure that members of the church who participated in these groups
would be brought together on the basis of positive solutions rather than on the
basis of negative problems. It is easy
for people to group together through criticism, blame and negative comparisons. ‘Oh you
think you’ve got it bad. Let me tell you
my story of woe.’ Groups of people
can often terribilize, awfulize or catastrophize as they focus on negative
problems. Being connected by negativity
is a powerful temptation. And it can
grow like cancer. This type of negative
connecting can actually increase depression, foster high anxiety, as well as
promote anger and fear. It is far better
for each of us to base our relationships on the positive. Relationships grounded on solutions, faith, healing,
hope, service and gospel promises of good things to come will increase your
potential to maintain strong and positive mental health.
3.
Third point.
We are unique beings. To enjoy
mental health stability, we must deal with ourselves according to our own
distinct circumstances. The doctrine taught
by church leaders is that we all lived in the pre mortal life, as distinct
personalities. Then we came to this
earth bringing various missions and purposes, unique to ourselves. All of us will pass on to the next life. There, we will be provided honest feedback on
how well we fared here on earth, as a unique individual. These concepts have a tone of generality. But we have also been taught that each one
of us has our own tailor made plan of salvation that fits into the big scheme. This requires us to remember that we are
unique. In the gospel we are alike in
requiring pure doctrine and the covenants of exaltation. But in most other circumstances, one size
does not fit all. Years ago I worked
with a woman, I will call her M, who had a same age step sister who suffered
with mental health issues. According to M, she believed that if her step sister
had a mental health problem, then she, M, must have the same problem. M told me it took years before she realized
that she was a distinct person, differing from her step sister. The diagnoses and treatments that applied to
her step sister did not necessarily apply to M.
So, an important principle you want to consider in maintaining positive
mental health is that you are unique.
4.
Fourth,
not only are you unique but you are also
responsible, within your own set of distinct circumstances. Managing thoughts and feelings is
complicated. It takes time, effort and
practice. Who is responsible for your
thoughts and feelings? With rare
exceptions, we all know the answer. But
often it is easy to become confused about who is responsible for what. Taking your
responsibility for your mental health
will increase your opportunities to
find and maintain stability. It is not
helpful to blame. Rather it is helpful
to take responsibility. I worked with a
woman years ago who, within fifteen minutes, had walked out of our first
session. I’ll call her D. Before D prematurely left, she told me that
her husband had abandoned herself and their young children. D became dependent on her father, spending
most of her time on his couch watching his television and eating his
food. D became depressed. Her father pushed her into counseling with
me. To say that I suggested that D should rise up off the couch, tear herself away
from the TV and start taking responsibility for her thoughts, emotions and
actions is putting it mildly. When I made
my comments, D walked out of the session.
I never saw her again. But
I did actually hear from her.
Twenty one years later, D found me.
And she phoned me. D thanked me
for being so direct with her in the past.
This woman told me her story of making the decision to quit blaming
others and start take responsibility for her thoughts and feelings, rising up
off her father’s couch, finding a part time job, entering into part time
schooling, moving away from her father’s home.
It took years but D obtained a Bachelor’s degree in a behavioral science
and later a Master’s degree in social work.
At the time of her phone call, she was working full time as a community
professional. According to D, it was
only when she stopped blaming others that she was able to find the courage to
take responsibility for her life. Others,
including family members, friends and church leaders, may be able to provide
love, encouragement and guidance. But no
one can truly take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. Even God won’t do that for you. It is your responsibility to manage your
mental and emotional health, commensurate with your own unique circumstances.
5.
The next concept is ‘the right fit.’
Learning about your own uniqueness and learning about your own
responsibility to self, you can then learn to ensure that you get the correct treatment for your particular circumstances. Believing that another person’s solutions
will fit your needs could become problematic.
One Sunday while on our mission, Barb and I were attending sacrament in
our Chacarita Ward. Brother Rodriguez, a
30 something father of two, was giving a talk.
Seated right behind him, and in our line of sight, was our new High
Council rep. I noticed how similar these
two men looked. The high councillor
looked like an older version of Brother Rodriguez. As Brother Rodrigez went on with his talk, it
became obvious that he was straining to see the page. He stopped, looked about him, then turned
around and saw the high councillor. With
a big smile on his face, he walked back to the high councillor, took off the
high councillor’s eyeglasses and Brother Rodrigez put them on his own
face. With his newfound pair of glasses
Brother Rodrigez still struggled to see his notes. The glasses helped a bit but really weren’t a
good fit. After the meeting I went up to
Brother Rodrigez and said: ‘wow that was
sure nice of your dad to let you borrow his glasses.’ With a quizzical look on his face Brother
Rodrigez said, ‘my dad? I have no idea who that man is. I just needed a pair of glasses.’ Just as Brother Rodrigez found that
someone else’s pair of glasses didn’t fit his needs, I’ve worked with people
who have borrowed or been labeled with ill-fitting assessments or treatment
plans from someone else. Sister L, one missionary I worked with,
defined herself as ‘shy’. For years she
read about and practiced assertiveness skills to overcome her shyness. In our first session, I discovered the
serious losses that Sister L faced as a child.
Sister L was not shy, she was sad.
With this informal but more accurate assessment, Sister L realized that
all of the assertiveness training in the world wasn’t going to help overcome
her sadness. So I was able to assist her
to work through the grieving processes, to obtain healing for her past
losses. The Mission President later told
us that Sister L was flourishing. So, make
sure that a correct diagnosis is carefully thought through so that a correct
plan of action can be tailored for your unique circumstances. Don’t borrow a diagnosis or a treatment plan
from another person. And don’t try to give your diagnosis to
another. An incorrect assessment, or a poor
fitting treatment plan, could cause more mental health damage. You are unique. You are responsible. Get the right fit.
6.
Next
point:
Be kind to yourself. To start
on a path of self-kindness, you need to eliminate some habits. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself. Self-pity drains excessive amounts of mental
health resources. Avoid self-talk that
is negative or self-critical. Such ideas
as ‘I’m no good, I’m so stupid, I wish I
wasn’t me’ are all harmful to mental health stability. Comparisons with others can also be detrimental
to mental and emotional assets. I like
the 13th Article of Faith.
Actively seek those things that are lovely, worthy of praise and of good
report. This includes what is inside you. According to this particular Article of
Faith, you are responsible to actively seek the lovely and the things of good
report in all, including—YOU!!. Seek something good and lovely within
yourself every day. Discover and embrace
your individuality. Seek opportunities
to give yourself credit. Give yourself kindness. Give yourself gratitude. Give yourself forgiveness. Give yourself permission to be who you
are. Enjoy being who you are. By seeking the good, the lovely and the
praiseworthy in yourself, you will strengthen your mental and emotional health.
7.
Seventh:
mild, moderate, severe. Severe is a red flag suggesting the need for
outside help. If you require professional assistance, use it
wisely. Perhaps you may need to take
medication. Use it carefully and only
with sensitive guidance from medical practitioners. You may need counseling to deal with your
mental health issues. A good starting
place for that type of guidance is your Bishop who can help you to find a qualified
and trustworthy counselor. LDS Family
Services could also help in that process.
Be judicious about the use of professional assistance.
8.
The eighth point: It is important to have mental and emotional reserves for trauma that may come upon you
unexpected. Most of us have lifestyles
that are demanding and require all of our attention, our full mental assets and
our complete emotional involvement. By
the end of the day, most of us are spent, having few resources left for
emergencies. As long as our lives run
smoothly and according to plan we can maintain our stability. But a surprise demand may push us into
collapse. I remember different times
when emergencies came upon me unaware: a
kidney stone as large as the end of my finger they thought was cancer, a former
client who broke into my office and threatened to kill me, the electricity
failing in South America and Barb and I trapped in an elevator. I’m glad I had some mental and emotional
reserves to offset the increases of stress during those critical incidents of
my life. It is good practice to keep a backup
of mental and emotional strength for those surprise emergencies that can
disrupt our already busy lifestyles.
9.
The last point I would like to make is
vital. Living the high level gospel principles strengthens our mental and emotional
health. Like the Savior, if we can
achieve kindness, charity, forgiveness and compassion we will find increases of
mental and emotional stability. These
Christian traits can offset our tendencies to be angry, afraid, depressed, critical
and mean spirited. Barb and I worked
with a sister missionary a few months ago from Uruguay. I will call her Sister Y. Sister Y had approached her Mission President
and told him that she must go home, she wasn’t deserving of staying on her
mission. She hated her step father with
all of her heart. He had abused her. Sister Y hadn’t seen him for 10 years. Her
Mission President’s direction was clear: In her heart, Sister Y must forgive her step-father. Fully and completely. Not just for herself,
but for future generations. After weeks of personal struggle, Sister Y
finally came to her Mission President and said: ‘It is done. I am free.
I have fully and completely forgiven my step-father.’ A few weeks later, Sister Y was assigned to
work in the celestial room during the open house prior to the rededication of
the Buenos Aires temple. With hundreds
of people coming through the temple, there was a sudden unexpected lull in the
celestial room. Just the two sisters
were there. Sister Y and her companion
enjoyed the few moments of peace in such a sacred place. Then a lone man walked in to the celestial
room. Slowly and cautiously he walked
right up to Sister Y. Sister Y looked at
him. The man was her step-father. They both paused, looking into each other’s
eyes. In tears he said: I am so
sorry. Sister Y responded: from
the depths of my soul I forgive you.
They embraced and wept. A quiet
moment in the celestial room to seal the love and forgiveness that had replaced
sadness and madness. And then the crowds
came. But Sister Y knew that her
Heavenly Father had just micro managed an incident in her life. High level Christian principles will always
nudge us towards mental and emotional security and peace.
Sisters, there are so
many other issues we could have addressed today to enrich your mental and
emotional wellbeing. For example, we
could have addressed how humor, hobbies or journaling can be applied to
strengthen mental and emotional wellbeing.
Or how to reinforce mental health by engaging in more positive self-talk. Certainly we could have discussed accessing the
internet to find the ‘how to’ of mental and emotional wellness, particularly on
LDS.ORG. We also could have discussed the close
correlation between body fitness and mental health. I
invite you to pursue these and other issues on your own. I hope and pray that you will put yourself on
a journey to learn about, and manage, your mental and emotional health. And that you will take time to help others on
their own personal path as you pursue yours. Hay esparanza.
No comments:
Post a Comment