#MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT a presentation

The husband/wife relationship can be rich and rewarding.  But time and effort must be expended to have the relationship not only survive, but also to thrive.

Marriage  Enrichment

Stephen ZoBell, PhD

Oct 2008

Calgary West Stake

I would like to express appreciation for the honor and privilege of being with you this evening.  I acknowledge those who preside at this meeting, members of your stake presidency, and those who preside in your wards, your bishops. 

A few years ago our oldest daughter, J’Ana, and her children lived with my wife Barb and I.   Her husband Randy was working out of town for extended periods.  One day, our 5 year old granddaughter, Hannah, jumped up into the easy chair with me and started examining my head.  ‘Where’s your brain, Grandpa’, she asked.  I teased with her.  'Somehow I got a hole in my head, my brain fell out on the floor and I haven’t ever been able to find it.  It fell out and it’s hopelessly lost', I told her.  We both laughed.  Two days later I was leaving for work while Hannah was sweeping the floor with her grandmother.  As I started walking out the door, Hannah, who was stooping down to pick something up, shouted ‘wait grandpa, wait’.  She came running to me.  I thought she wanted to hug me goodbye.  Instead, she handed me a small speck of dirt.  ‘I found your brain Grandpa.  You should never go to work without your brain’.

I hope I have brought my brain with me tonight.  But if I haven’t, at least I know that I have brought my heart.  In my heart I love the Savior.  I love people.  I love trying to help couples to have happier relationships. 

One of the greatest desires of my heart is my sweetheart Barb.  I am grateful for her support, for her life, for the manner of person that she is.  I’m thankful that she is here with me this evening.  Brian Kile once said:  I love being married, I was single for a long time and I just got sick of finishing my own sentences.  I love having my sweetheart close so she can finish some of my sentences.  Not only do I love my wife, but I also like her and I like being with her.  

Tonight we are looking at strengthening and enriching your marriage relationship.

MY BELIEFS

I would like to share with you my strong beliefs.  I believe in the Savior.  I believe in his plan of happiness which is called the plan of salvation, the great plan of mercy, the plan of redemption.   I believe that The Family:  a Proclamation to the World, which we often refer to as THE PROCLAMATION,  is one of the most important one page documents ever written.  I have an undying belief in marriage and in the temple covenants.   Marriage is sacred.  When I was a bishop I officiated at 21 civil marriages.  These were sacred experiences.  Civil marriage is sacred.  Temple sealing is sacred for a longer period of time.  But all marriage between a man and a woman, whether solemnized in the temple or out of the temple, is sacred.

First off this evening I would like to discuss four FOUNDATION CONCEPTS

1.      The first is that your marriage relationship should have the highest Priority of your attention.   My father was a spitfire pilot during the 2^nd world war.  He was on the front lines, on and off, for over 4 years.  On one sortie a bullet came into his plane from behind him, nicked his ear, and shattered the instrument panel in front of him, spewing glass up into his face and eyes.  My father could not see due to the glass and blood in his eyes.  Through radio contact he was told by his airbase to bail out in order to save his live.  Being over enemy territory, he didn’t want to be a prisoner of war so he declined.  The radio operators at the base were able to track him.  They decided that he would give my father instructions, through radio transmission, on when to veer left or right, how high or low he should fly and what his orientation with the ground seemed to be.  In effect, the radio operator became my father’s eyes.  My father listened keenly to the radio operator’s instructions.  His relationship with the radio operator was vital to whether or not he returned to his airstrip.  When my dad spoke of this experience, he tenderly related how closely connected he had to be to the radio operator.  Neither of them could be distracted or disconnected from each other for a second, or it may have meant my father’s life. At that point in his life, nothing else mattered to my father except for the closely connected relationship he had with the radio operator.   After some period of time, the radio operator was able to ‘fly my father home’, to talk him back to the airbase, and land him safely, in spite of dad’s temporary blindness.

Next to our relationship with the Savior and our responsibility to our own personal plan of salvation, the marriage relationship is the most significant relationship on this earth and in the eternities.  In the long run, it should be more important to you than the relationship you have with your parents, your siblings, your children, your friends or your work and hobbies.  A marriage relationship is not mutually exclusive.  When married, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have appropriate relationships with your parents or children or friends.  Making marriage a priority relationship means that your relationship with your spouse is # 1 and all other relationships are either #2, 3, 4, 5 and so on.  As my father riveted his attention on the radio operator, so we should rivet our attention on our spouse.  As a friend of mine often says:  spoil your spouse not your children.

2.      The second foundation concept I call the  Rule of 3.  Most folks think that there are two factors in a marriage: the husband and the wife.  There are, in fact, three factors in a marriage:  you, your spouse and your marriage relationship.  It takes the effort of both parties to make the relationship.  Each spouse in the marriage relationship is responsible to ensure that he or she is involved in righteous self development.  But our discussion this evening is not about you as an individual, it is about the 3^rd factor in the marriage and that is the relationship itself. Two parts work together to create the third aspect which is meant to be a flourishing and meaningful relationship.

3.     The third foundation concept around marriage follows closely with the 2nd law of thermodynamics    I'm not a scientist and don't understand the complexity of the law.  But I like the concept.  In simplicity it says:  if you leave anything alone long enough it will eventually fall into disorder, it will erode and start falling apart and ultimately find an average or level state.  Without regular, organized effort to sustain it, the marriage relationship will start to erode and go downhill until it becomes mundane and falls into disarray.  This should motivate all of us to put in regular effort to not only maintain a sound marriage relationship, but to do what it takes to make that relationship a growing and positive experience for both the husband and the wife.

4.     The fourth foundation concept around marriage is that both husband and wife have to pay the price if you want a rewarding and fulfilling marital relationship.    You have to pay the price to prevent problems.  You have to pay the price to fix the marriage relationship when it breaks.  One day, my wife Barb made my favorite dessert.  It’s gooey, creamy, chocolaty, carmally, full of nuts oozing with calories and cholesterol.  Once made, she left it on the table and went out shopping.  I was left alone with my favorite treat.  Just before leaving she said:  don’t touch that dessert, I made it for the missionaries.  Well I sat there, all alone, looking at this, my favorite dessert.  All of a sudden a thought came to my mind:  every member is a missionary.  So I ate some of the dessert.  Then I ate some more and some more and I ate WAY too much.  I felt guilty about taking in so many calories.  So I went out and ran.  I ran hard for about 20 minutes.  This is kind of a funny story until it comes to accountability.  When Barb got home she was fairly good humored about my eating most of the dessert.  She didn’t say much.  Two days later she phoned me at work and asked some questions:  how much did I eat, how long and how hard did I run.  I answered her the best I could.  She said she’d get back with me.  That afternoon Barb phoned again.  She said she had been doing some calculating.  Based on the substances in the dessert like chocolate, nuts, caramel sauce and cream, Barb calculated that I had taken in around 3000 calories.  Based on my reported run, and having a generous wife, she figured I burned off about 160 calories.  She pointed out that if I ran hard for 20 minutes a day it would take me 19 days just to burn off my dessert binge.  For me, this story did not have a happy ending.  A lot of damage and very little effort to prevent or overcome the damage.  Over the years, I have noticed that married couples fall into a similar pattern.  Quite often the damage done in a marriage can be significant, but often the effort to fix the problems and enrich a marriage is not put forward.  To maintain a high degree of satisfaction in a marriage means that both husband and wife must pay a significant price in terms of time, money, resources, learning skills and practicing on an ongoing basis.  Couples must pay a price to prevent a demise or fix any damage that stops them from having marital satisfaction.

For a moment, then, let’s address the question:  HOW DOES A MARRIAGE FALL APART?  Then we can know what to prevent and what to fix.

Except in rare situations, a marriage begins with hope, dreams and positive expectations.  No one starts a marriage by trying to plot its demise.  Yet many marriages that started on the foundation of faith, hope and charity with wonderful dreams of future happiness can end up off track.  A wife and/or a husband can become seriously disappointed.  Each feels unfulfilled, unimportant and unloved in the marriage relationship.  They exclaim to themselves:  this isn't how it was supposed to be.

As father Lehi said to his son Jacob:  there must needs be OPPOSITION IN ALL THINGS:  marriage is no exception to this divine mandate.  Without opposition we could not have choice and without choice we would not exist.  Opposition and stress will face every marriage.  Stress on a marriage can come from two perspectives:  EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL

First:  EXTERNAL opposition

Many of the following external stressors have been faced in most marriages:  financial challenges, relationship strains with in-laws, sickness and infirmities, conflict around wayward children, strains around scheduling, employment difficulties, dealing with those outside the marriage who are angry or critical, feeling overwhelmed by the demands of church callings, what goals to pursue, strains due to driving in a big city, challenges due to affluence, the difficulties of a move, change of life or lifestyle issues, stresses due to poverty, challenges due to neighbors, the temptation to do wrong things, the stress that media puts on our marriage and the list can go on and on.  There are multiple external pressures and stressors and opposition that the marriage relationship must face.  All marriages, strong and weak, are subjected to them.

What about INTERNAL opposition and stress?

Often it is not the nature of the external opposition or stressors in a marital relationship that lead to the downfall of a marriage:  it is the way that the marriage partnership, the husband and wife as a team, deals with those external stressors that makes a difference.  One couple that I know went bankrupt.  They picked themselves up, dusted themselves off.  Working as a team they were able to renew financial stability within a few years.  Another couple that I know also went bankrupt.  Their relationship was unable to cope with the stress and soon were they were divorced.  Of course these two couples’ circumstances were not exactly alike, but it was clear to me that their end results were driven, not by external finances, but rather by internal devices.  That would constitute an internal factor. 

I would like to review, in general, what husbands and wives do, or don't do, INTERNALLY within their relationship, to get off track.....then I would like to propose some ideas on how a couple can get their marriage reasonably on track and keep it on track long enough that the positive will far outweigh the negative. 

 We are all learning and in the process of learning we all make mistakes.  In a marriage there are many mistakes that we make on a daily basis.  Most marriages, even faltering marriages, can withstand a lot of mistakes.  However, there are some fatal flaws that can seriously impair the marriage relationship with its potential for joy and fulfillment for both a husband and a wife.

The first potential fatal flaw is in the area of commitment while closely related I have divided the commitment category into two groups  

   1. Somehow, over the years, commitment to the spouse and to the marriage relationship can run out of steam and start to die.    Marriages suffer when time and resource commitment to a spouse and marriage has been replaced by commitments to other activities or people.  The worst form of a dying commitment to the marriage is infidelity and unfaithfulness especially in the physical realm but also in the emotional or mental realm.  Diminished commitment of any type will take a negative toll.  A significantly demised commitment to spouse and marriage will prove, over time, to be a fatal flaw.   We need, therefore, to learn to be as committed to our spouse and our marriage as an Olympic athlete is to their quest for the gold, or as committed as my father was to keeping in touch with the radio operator who brought him home safely.  Commitment to the marriage is actually a conscious decision that must be made daily.  Making and keeping commitments to the marriage relationship is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

 

2.  The second fatal flaw in the category of diminished commitment is when loyalty to the Savior and His plan becomes weak and actually dies:  failure to keep commitments to apply gospel principles and invite the Savior in the marriage and to honor the covenants that have been made.  By the time married couples come to me for counseling, most of them have long since abandoned couples’ prayer, couples’ scripture reading, application of gospel principles in the marriage relationship, regular temple attendance and holding the ordinances of salvation sacred.  Their commitment to unsafe areas of life and their crass behaviors indicate that they are not inviting the Savior into the relationship.  They have lost their commitment to Him in daily living even though they may attend church each week or do well in a church calling.  Failure to apply gospel principles in the marriage relationship, failure to honor covenants in the marriage, failure to commit to making the Savior a part of the relationship, will prove, over time to be a fatal flaw.  We need, therefore, to design a system in our marriage relationship, that can enable us to live the highest standards of the gospel in our spousal relationship, allowing us to honor the covenants of salvation.

The next category of fatal flaws in the marriage relationship has to do with management.  First, in the area of information management or how we take our cues in life.  A young child will fall and often look to the parents for a cue on how to respond.  When primary children sing in sacrament, the chorister has posters to prompt or cue the children with the ideas and words of the song.  Actors often use cue cards to assist them with their lines.  While cuing in this way can be helpful, taking cues from the wrong source may not be beneficial in assisting with how to act in the marriage relationship.    Cuing off of others has its potential downside.  In the book A Man For All Seasons we read:  An individual who tries to plot his position by reference to our society finds no fixed points.  To pay for my university education I worked on the oil rigs in the Canadian Arctic.  While there I saw a small rodent creature called a lemming.  Lemmings are migratory and every now and then one or two lemmings will start migrating and others get the cue and go with them and pretty soon they are all cuing off each other, frantically running in hundreds and in some cases thousands in a crazy frenzy.  Often they will come to a cliff or to water and the ones behind push the ones in front over to their death.  In making our daily choices we should not be lemmings.  Yet many in my counseling arena make decisions by cuing off of other people.  I asked one couple why they were going to Cuba on a vacation and they both stated:  because everyone else is.  I find married couples not only cuing off of the decisions made by others, but also by cuing off of trite and trivial information generated from TV talk shows, fortune cookies, rumor, watered down pop psychology found in magazines, gossip and the uninformed opinions of others.  For mature adults who have the gift of the Holy Ghost and the gospel plan in front of them, it seems some of my clients are grabbing at straws, or maybe being a lemming, by cuing off of information that will not, in the long run, help them.  It is a fatal flaw to give more importance, in our marriage relationship, to a fortune cookie or to the opinions of our neighbors and friends or trivial information gleaned from the internet, or to talk shows on TV than it is to cue off the information that we receive by living the commandments of God and listening to and following the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  We need, therefore, to learn to manage and priorize information so that we learn to value the promptings of the Holy Ghost more than the opinions and ideas of men, when it comes to decision making in the marriage relationship. 

 

Second in the area of mismanagement is how we manage differences.     A man and a woman court.  When they court they look for similarities.  Oh, you like to ski too?  We like the same movies.  His parents are from Alberta too.  She’s a convert to the church just like me.  We both grew up playing Rook.  Well, within 5 seconds after the marriage is solemnized the differences start to emerge.  Ours started on our honeymoon.  I was raised in a family that if you were upset at someone and you loved them then you told them you were upset.  My wife was raised in a family where if you were upset at someone and you loved that person you would just swallow it and never tell them.  Well, two days after marriage I was upset with my wife, I loved her and, well, I told her I was upset.  It took a while to sort that one out.  Differences are healthy as long as they can be managed in a helpful manner.  When differences are not managed correctly, couples become unable to communicate with each other, unable to plan together, unable or unwilling to be a part of the marriage team.  The inability to manage differences, over time, will prove to be a fatal flaw in the marriage relationship. 

  

The answer to the question, then, of how does a marriage fail, has less to do with external stressors, although they are contributors.  Failure in a marriage has more to do with a couple not preventing or correcting potential internal fatal flaws, namely, diminished commitment and mismanagement on the part of the couple themselves.  The problem arises when significant foundational flaws become so pronounced that a marriage does not have the ability to stay intact when the external stresses and opposition come.

What can be done?  You can’t do everything at once.  But you can be working towards a higher level of fulfillment in your marriage relationship.  John Wooden, the famous UCLA basketball coach once said:  Failure is not a crime.  Low aim is.  It is my opinion that marriage partners should set their goals way high, to raise the bar on their own expectations and performance in their marriage relationship.  Couples should seek the highest possibility of fulfillment in their relationship with each other.

I would like to offer you some beliefs and skills that you can take home and ponder and practice.  This will take time and effort.  I do not have time to give you a complete list.  Each of these skills, if applied, will help counter the 4 potential fatal flaws.  Please remember that when you go into a restaurant you do not eat everything on the menu.  You order and partake of one small amount at a time.  So even though I am going to give you 14 out of possibly dozens of ideas to enrich your marriage, you will not want to apply them all at once.  You may want to write down, or mentally note, those ideas that jump out at you, that the Spirit may witness to you, that which may be important to the current circumstances of your marriage relationship.

1.  Some DON’Ts:  don’t BREAK COMMANDMENTS, DON’T MAKE THINGS WORSE, IN THE FIRST PLACE DO NO HARM.  I had a stake president once who was a school psychologist.  They had asked Jr. High school students to write down, in one sentence, advice for living.  One boy wrote:  Don’t jump in front of lightening.  Well that’s pretty wise.  Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Clean up any addictions.  An addiction will never lend itself to building or uplifting a marriage.  Get help from your Bishop if you have an addiction, and perhaps from the professional arena.  As well, there are two rules I give to marriage partners in therapy:  1. No blame (in other words take personal responsibility)    2.  No feeling sorry for yourself     This is about what YOU do not about what your spouse does.

2.  INDIVIDUAL SOUNDNESS   self development is a skill.  According to the plan of eternal progress, self development is also a responsibility.  It requires setting goals, putting forth effort and difficult introspective evaluation.  To have a successful marriage relationship you actually need to be working towards being a whole person as an individual, and then give this wholeness to your marriage relationship.  Grieving past losses, learning the skill of integrity, keeping physically, emotionally and mentally fit are vital parts of having something to contribute to the marriage relationship.    As an individual, it is helpful to ramp up and strengthen your commitment to your marriage and to your spouse.  After all, when all is said and done, it is personal daily commitment that keeps a marriage flourishing.  As well, as an individual, you can increase the commitment that you have to the Savior and to His covenants and commandments.

3.  I have a belief for you to go home and ponder.  It is a PHILOSOPHICAL 
BACKDROP.   For a marriage to flourish, it must be understood against the backdrop of the plan of salvation.  Neal Maxwell once commented that not only is there a general plan of salvation but each one of us has a personal plan of salvation.  Now, thinking of your marriage relationship, do you believe that you lived in a premortal existence, do you believe that you came to this earth to receive a body and keep that body and mind and spirit worthy to return to the highest level in the next life?  Do you believe that you are here to prepare for the next life to live in another realm on a higher level?  Do the covenants and ordinances of salvation play a daily role in your marriage?   Or are they just events in your life?  Do you believe that the Savior is the central figure of the general plan and of your specific plan?  Having the belief of the plan of salvation and the understanding of your personal plan within the plan, will go a long way in helping you to understand the purpose of your marriage.  But having a belief, not just knowledge from a Church lesson, but a deep personal belief in the plan of salvation, will give you an eternal perspective.  You will understand better what the marriage relationship is all about.  You will have the power and be given the resources necessary to deal with trials and stressors that come your way.  Your confidence in your marriage relationship will wax strong as you keep the eternal perspective as the backdrop for your marriage. 

4.  The fourth point is a joint marital skill and will take time and effort.  Simply put:  GET ORGANIZED.  Organization is a skill.  No business would survive without organization.  No sports team or medical system or government office or banking operation could survive without some type of high quality organization.  We are blessed to have prophets instruct us on how to organize a marriage and a family.  Hold family home evening, schedule couples prayer and couples scripture reading.  Part of organizing is purging.  My motto at work is:  you haven’t had a successful day unless you’ve thrown something away.  Purge stuff that you don’t need, don’t use, don’t want.  If you haven’t used it for five years and can’t see yourselves using it for the next five years, get rid of it.  One area of marriage organization that I want to focus on is Couple’s Council.  I invite each of you to consider having regular Couples Council.  Couples Council could be held weekly, in your home at the same time and place each week.  My wife and I hold our Couples Council each Sunday.  Couples Council is a formal business meeting.  It should start and end with prayer.  You should alternate who conducts.  It should not last for more than an hour or at the most maybe an hour and a half.  There should be an agenda, or at least an outline for the meeting.  This is a meeting where the husband and the wife can coordinate their efforts.  Agenda items could include:  finding solutions, rejoicing over successes, projecting both short term and long term goals, calendaring and scheduling, dealing with financial decisions, dealing with parenting issues, etc but it is the couple who need to determine the topics.  Couples Council is not an arena for arguments or anger but is a regular meeting for the couple to translate their hopes and dreams into action and reality.  I invite every marriage to include Couple’s Council as part of their family organization.  I know that it is a doctrinally sound concept.  I also know through over 30 years of personal experience that it works.  Like any other skill, you will not pull it off perfect at first.  So practice, practice, practice.

5.  The fifth point is a skill and it is a difficult skill to learn.  It has to do with defining what you want from your marriage.  In 1984 I was in an electronics store in Toronto.  I watched on television as Sylvie Bernie, representing Canada, stood on the diving board, competing at that very moment, in the Los Angeles summer Olympics.  She stood on the board in full concentration.  Everyone knew that she was imagining her perfect dive.  We all waited.  Then Sylvie dove.  Her near perfect dive earned her the gold medal for Canada.  Sylvie knew what she wanted.  She wanted a gold medal, she put forth the effort of time, resources, imagination and passion and she got what she wanted.  Junko Tabai also got what she wanted.  At 4 feet 10 inches tall, this little woman from Japan had been climbing mountains, against tradition, for years.  In 1975 she became the first woman on record to climb to the top of Mount Everest.  She defined what she wanted, she sacrificed for it, and she stood on top of the world.  By the time a couple comes to me for counseling they are defining their marriage, not in terms of what they want, but in terms of what they don’t want.  Sometimes they can define their marriage in terms of what they want for someone else.  The first question I ask a couple in therapy is:  What do you want for your marriage.  I don’t want him to yell at me, or I don’t want her to spend so much money.  I interrupt and say:  you’re telling me what you don’t want.  What is it, exactly and specifically, that you want in your marriage relationship.  Well, ok, we want our children to live the gospel and to get an education.  I say:  you’re still not answering my question.  You’re telling me what you want for your children, not for your marriage relationship.  Well I’m not trying to be difficult with people, but I do know that the beginning of a happy and fulfilling marriage starts with wanting it that way.  I try to steer the couple towards defining what they do want for the relationship.  When we want something strongly enough we harbor that in our imaginations and we put passion towards it just like Sylvie Bernier did for the gold medal in Olympic diving and Junko Tabai for getting to the top of Mt Everest.  A study of successful people and organizations, such as Olympic heroes, medical teams, scientists, explorers, inventors, athletes, war heroes, pioneers and many others show that it takes hard work, effort, drive and organization to move forward in a positive way.  But they first have to determine what it is that they want before they can move forward towards it.   So, sometimes it takes a session or two with an unbending counselor like myself before a couple can really define what it is that they want from their marriage relationship.  And so they come back to counseling with new ideas.  One couple determined that they wanted to go on missions, another that they wanted to travel together, another wanted to start a business together, another defined that they wanted to learn productive parenting skills together so they could deal with their children as a team.  Once a couple determines what it is that they want, they can then start working on the HOW.  Couples Council is an ideal place to work on these issues.  In determining what is wanted, differences will invariably come up.  Couple’s council offers a great opportunity to discuss and manage these differences.  A few years ago, Barb and I went to Mt. St Helens.  On the north side of the volcano is a lava tube called Ape Cave.  It’s a lava tube from an eruption of hundreds of years ago.  I decided that I wanted to go into that cave, even though I suffer terribly from panic attacks when it comes to darkness and being in closed in places.  I had been in a couple of caves in my life and was able to conquer some degree of my terror.  On this occasion, I took three huge flashlights and numerous battery backups.  As we drove up to the cave, my panic attacks grew strong and I couldn’t go in.  While I was sweating and my heart palpitating, two families with five or six young children walked past our car and towards the cave opening.  Five minutes later they came back.  My window was open so that I could get some fresh air.  I heard the children complaining that they couldn’t go into the cave.  Trying to regain some sense of logic in my own life, I asked them what was wrong, why couldn’t they go into the cave.  They said:  We don’t have flashlights and they won’t let us in the cave without a flashlight.  So the families left with significantly disappointed children.  All of a sudden something happened inside of me.  I got out of my car and ran after the two families.  I have flashlights I said, plenty of them.  And so we all went into Ape cave together—Barb and I with my flashlights and back up batteries and the children with their courage.  Together we made a team.  We each had something different to contribute and we all gained from the experience.  Both parties wanted the same thing:  to go into the cave.  Each party contributed something different.  This is how a husband and wife should approach their relationship.  Determine, together, what they want, then managing their different contributions for a common cause.  But the first step is to decide what you want.  I invite you to go home and struggle with the concept:  what do you want from your marriage?

6.  ENLARGE YOUR MEMORY through RECORD KEEPING     no bank would consider doing business without keeping records.  No dentist or doctor would deal with our medical issues without keeping records.  Every school you have ever attended kept a record on you.  Records, we are told in the Book of Mormon, are designed to enlarge our memory.  My wife and I have kept a written family journal since we were married.  In it we have focused on spiritual experiences, problems we have faced, solutions, high points of our lives and also low points.  We have also kept a family photo album which details our marriage and family history in pictures.  When we have Couple’s Council we keep a record of our goals, we then schedule them into our calendars so that there is a record for us to follow.  We try to harness our hopes and dreams by putting them in writing, then evaluating them over time and adjusting them accordingly.  We couldn’t do this without keeping records.  I noticed early in my professional career that when it comes to working on marriage finances either he does it, she does it, or no one does it.  Rarely have I found couples who work on finances together as a team.  For this reason I developed a personal program wherein Barb and I both worked on budgeting and accounting for money on a regular basis, and we do it together.  Keeping records of goals, decisions that you have made, financial aspects and future schedule will enlarge your memory as a couple, will build stronger bonds of cooperation and enrich your marital relationship.  Record keeping is a skill.  And that skill will take practice.  I would invite you to review your marriage relationship records and upgrade them if necessary.

7.     OUTSIDE RESOURCES   When I worked in the Canadian Arctic in the oil patch, an oil rig blew out.  The helicopter pilot took us in the proximity to see oil and natural gas shooting up a couple of hundred feet in the air.  We were not allowed to move in too close for fear that a spark might set off a fire.  The oil well blow out was out of control and nobody on site could deal with it.  The oil company hired the famous Red Adair to fly in and within two days he and his crew had the situation under control.  Sometimes marriages get out of control with negativity.  Sometimes the fear and anger become unmanageable between spouses.  Sometimes passion overrules spirit on an ongoing basis.  At that time a married couple may require outside resources to assist.  But beware of using outside resources.  Your circumstances should not be put on the gossip chopping block nor should your serious problems be exhibited for others to see.  With the exception of one sided abuse, there should be tight confidentiality within the marriage bond, so that the negativity does not spill out to extended family or well meaning friends.  It is best to do all that you can to improve your marriage relationship by yourselves, as a team.   Communication skills to practice include listening, sharing feelings, offering appropriate apologies and giving and receiving encouragement.   For church approved information on marital issues you can check out lds.org.  There is also a Strengthening Marriage class that can be taken on a ward or stake basis.  You may wish to go to a book store or a library to find trustworthy materials that will teach you skills on how to improve your marriage relationship.  If you need help from an outside source I would suggest you start with your Bishop.  If you need further assistance, he can guide you to trusted sources or at least help you think it through.  But remember, it’s a buyer beware market if you are going to use outside resources.  The best resources are to apply gospel principles.  If you need further resources to focus on skill development you could carefully select books, internet resources, classes or seminars. 

8.  Our next skill is the ABILITY TO SEE THE POSITIVE     Honest criticism, said Franklin P. Jones, is difficult to accept, particularly from a spouse, a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.  It is easy to see the negative.  Sometimes it takes hard work to find the positive.  We believe that if there is anything lovely or of good report we seek after these things.  Recently I have been scanning 30 years worth of family pictures and typing years of hand written journals.  Journals tend to represent both the positive and the negative in our lives.  On the other hand, photographs are almost always positive, designed to be that way.  Lining up the picture in our camera, we look for the best, the happy the positive.  We snap the picture.  Now with digital we can instantly see the results and take the picture again if it is not representing the positive that we want.  Once the picture is completed we upload it to our computer and we can still manipulate the data to make the picture more and more positive.    I’m a fussy photographer-- hey get the camera case out of sight, I’ve got enough pictures of my camera case, move in a little closer, c’mon smile you guys.  Can we do this with our marriage relationship?  Can we see the positive.  Can we work hard to create more positive?  Along with this goes the skill to accept the positive.  Can you accept a compliment or be willing to agree with positive encouragement.  I have a relative to whom I can say, genuinely, your hair looks good that way, who will respond by saying:  what this old rag?  Compliments need to be given but they also need to be genuinely received.  Never put down a compliment.  At least say thanks for the positive comment.   I would invite each of you to seek those things in your marriage relationship that are of good report.  Word hard to find the positive, then reinforce it.  This is a skill that will take time, effort and practice to learn.

9.  My next point is highly controversial.  It is also a difficult skill to develop.  It has to do with MEDIA MANAGEMENT.   We are barraged every day, all day long from all areas with media exposure.  Some of it is necessary and helpful and some of it is useless, harmful and some can be evil.  I worked on my PhD while working full time, fulfilling a calling on the High Counsel, and trying to help my wife raise a family of five children.  It took me about 5000 hours of effort to obtain my doctorate degree.  Now I want to say that, if my next numbers seem ridiculous, that a few months ago the Calgary Herald ran a report of research being done in BC where it was found that older teenagers and young adults and young married men could easily spend up to 8.2 hours a day on post employment media use.  This means that employment media use was not counted in the research.  Sometimes, the Herald reported, individuals would get involved in weekend binges that could last 24-36 hours.  So if you start at a given time in your life, say 21 years old, and you account for time over a 15 year period, say until you are 36 and you are involved for so many hours a day in some type of non work related electronic media, like the internet, television, texting, video or computer or handheld games, chat rooms, face book, e-mailing, movies, DVDs, texting etc, in 15 years this is how much time you have spent

One hour per day of media use, over 15 years is 5475.  That’s more hours than I spent getting my doctorate degree.  What could you do with 5500 hours? 

Two hours a day of media use over 15 years would be 10950 hours.  What could you accomplish after spending almost 11,000 hours of your time in skill development or in helping and serving others?  You could make a major difference in the lives of others, be a seasoned pianist, further your education in a major way, be a proficient athlete, spend more time with your spouse and children.

Three hours a day over 15 years is 16425. 

Four hours a day of media use over 15 years, is almost 21,900 hours.  We are talking here about potential black belts in karate and concert pianists.

5 hours a day would be 27375 hours.

And 6 hours a day would be 32850 hours.  This, in fact, in just raw time, at my speed, would constitute over 6 PhD’s worth of time over a 15 year period.  When you start adding up all of the time it becomes almost unbelievable.  I have done the math over and over, and I didn’t account for leap year or it would have been a bit more.  It is a staggering amount of time.

I would invite you to take a careful look at how much time you are spending on non employment media.  Again, some of that time may be necessary and helpful.  But when couples come to me for therapy, I tell them they are going to have to commit some time to the marriage relationship.  They tell me they are maxed out with no time available.  It doesn’t take much effort for them to find time for their marriage by reallocating the wasted media time into marriage relationship time. 

      10.  ROLES   first, the roles we don’t have in a marriage relationship.  We are not mind readers, not here to confess each other’s sins, we are not fault finders, we are not the Holy Ghost.  Our role is to help each other as two children of God, a wife and a husband, trying to make it back home.   Our role is to validate our spouse as a child of our Heavenly Father, regardless of what opposition we may face.  Our role is to free our spouse up so he or she can make decisions without coercion, force, bullying or meanness of spirit. 

One woman who I worked with said:  I married because I was so lonely.  Now I am lonely in my marriage relationship.  Our role is to be a companion, a friend, a confidant and helper to our spouse.  Almost 32 years ago I had my initial interview to hire on with LDS Family Services.  In those days they asked the spouse to attend the job interview.  Barb came with me.  There were three interviewers.  I was fresh out of university and had nothing going for me.  I faltered on every question.  The interviewers were stiff and firm. The interview was going nowhere for me except maybe backwards.  One of the interviewers finally said:  what makes you feel you can work for LDS Family Services?  That question short circuited me and I had no answer.  I sat there, feeling small and helpless and no words came to my mouth.  They waited for my answer in silence.  I swallowed hard, squirmed and my mind became more and more blank.  Then, I felt the warm hand of my sweetheart resting on my arm.  I felt her belief in me, I felt her spiritual strength coming into my soul.  I was able to take courage from her strength.  I was able to stutter out an answer.  The interview was over.  Two days later I was offered a full time position with LDS Family Services.    I will never forget the role Barb played as my friend who believed in me.

111.                        INTERACTING  it is important that a married couple have appropriate interactions to enrich the marriage.  We often talk, in the church, about date night, which I believe is necessary but not sufficient.  When I attended BYU, I owed one of my good friends a favor.  To cash in, he set me up on a ‘blind’ date with his cousin who was coming in from California.  He said she was cute and lots of fun.  I was to take her to the basketball game in two weeks.  I didn’t even think about this potential date after my friend roped me in.  During the week prior to the date I had completely forgotten my commitment.  But my friend, loyal to his cousin, phoned me on Thursday nite to remind me.  I was a bit annoyed, but rearranged my schedule so I could keep my obligation.  I took the girl to the basketball game, and she was, indeed, cute and fun.  The problem is, she did not hold my interest.  Right after the game was over I excused myself to do homework, something I never did on a Friday night.  Taking my friend's cousin to the basketball game was a date.  Let me contrast this to my experience of courting my wife.  When I met Barb, I constantly thought of her.  We would have a date set for a week down the road but I would find reasons to contact her before.  I tried to learn all I could about her:  what did she like?  What would make her laugh?  How could I get her to like and pay attention to me?  I would bring her flowers, take her on creative and exciting excursions and do all I could to please her.  I thought about her a lot.  When we were together we shared, laughed, had a few tears, hoped for the future.  This is called courtship.  I still haven’t been able to get enough of my wife and so it is fun to continue our courtship.  I would suggest that it is appropriate to date your spouse but it is vital to be involved in ongoing courtship.

I would suggest that you court your spouse regularly.

112.                          COOPERATION RATHER THAN COMPETITION   I played hockey for Idaho State University, I played on my high school basketball team, I played for the BYU lacrosse team.  I’m a competitive person and I love the effort that competition generates.  But I have learned that competition has a time and a place.  It is not meant for husbands and wives to be competing one with another regarding family or gospel living.  In counseling sessions I often hear clients arguing over who is better.  This, of course, is based on competition.  I work harder than you, my ideas are better than yours, you can’t seem to get anything right (implying that I can), I know more about raising children than you, this money is more mine than it is yours, my parents treat us better than your parents do.  Competition around family living in a marital relationship breeds contempt and contention.  How much better it is to be like the musk ox in the Canadian arctic.  When I was working there I saw herds of musk ox gather together with the adults all facing outward in a circle to protect the young in the inner area.  They cooperated in facing difficulties, either storms or predators, to protect their family.  I would suggest that you work out a plan to be cooperative rather than competitive in your spousal relationship.  Often cooperation is more prolific in the initial phases of a marriage and then gives way, over time, to competition.  To cooperate means that you would have to plan, assign roles and responsibilities, be in unity of purpose and then both put forth effort to make your relationship wants, dreams and goals come true.

13.                        HUMOR and fun    When I worked in the Canadian Arctic, our helicopter pilot took us on a detour to see an interesting situation.  He flew us to a small bay where the Arctic Ocean was not frozen over so thick.  On the ice was a polar bear running back and forth.  In this bay were two holes about 30 feet apart.  They were made by a seal.  We watched as the seal swam under water, came up through one of the holes and started barking to get the attention of the polar bear.  The bear would run towards the seal and just as he arrived at the hole, the seal would disappear under the ice and the polar bear would stick its head in the hole with no seal.  The seal would then swim under the ice to the other hole, emerge, bark for the attention of the polar bear who would run to the hole where the seal was.  Back and forth the seal swam from hole to hole under the water and back and forth the polar bear ran on the ice trying to catch the seal.  We watched for over an hour as these two seemed to be having so much fun.  The helicopter pilot said these two animals could do this back and forth fun all day long.  It is important, in a marriage relationship, to have fun.  Some couples bowl together, some play board games, others that I know go to plays, read books together, exercise together or travel as a companionship.  They have fun together.  My in-laws have fun going to the dump together.  It is important to ensure that there is time, in our busy and business like schedules, to take the opportunity to have fun together as a married couple, the definition of fun being whatever righteous activity or involvement the couple finds as interesting and enjoyable.  As well as having fun together, it is important to take the time to laugh together.  Marjory Hinckley the wife of our former prophet Gordon B. Hinckley quoted Elder Maxwell.    Sister Hinckley said:  Elder Neal A. Maxwell once wrote, “We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around!”  Sister Hinckley then stated:  I would add, the only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry.  I prefer to laugh.  Crying gives me a headache.  One Friday night, when Barb and I had 5 teenagers, we decided to have a home date while our children were out with their involvements.  We were going to play board games and have a treat.  But we didn’t have enough ice cream.  We decided to go to the store together and pick up our treat.  As we were leaving we had a disagreement.  Neither of us wanted to talk.  As we pulled up to the grocery store we were both going through that stubborn attitude.  I walked about 10 feet ahead of Barb, but through my peripheral vision I could see her black shoes behind me.  They followed me into the store.  I walked to the ice cream freezer and bent over with a bucket of vanilla in one hand and a bucket of chocolate in the other looking down and keeping my back to the aisle.  Seeing the black shoes behind me I did not bother turning around.  Do you want vanilla or do you want chocolate?  I asked.  There was no answer.  DO YOU WANT VANILLA OR DO YOU WANT CHOCOLATE?  I asked more boldly.  Being bent over with my head in the cooler made me a bit dizzy and I was red in the face with my annoyance.  I grabbed both buckets, spun around and held them out and said, with a good deal of firmness:  DO YOU WANT VANILLA OR DO YOU WANT CHOCOLATE.  And a woman who I had never seen before in my life stammered:  I—I think I’ll take the chocolate.   Over the years, Barb and I have learned to laugh at our follies and our mistakes.  We’ve learned not to take ourselves too serious.  Without mocking, in the absence of sarcasm, couples can have good humor, review wholesome jokes and laugh at their own plights, even if it is over time.  Sometimes you have to laugh at your spouse’s jokes even if they aren’t that funny, as my wife does for me.  Wholesome humor assists us to lighten up, to bypass harsh judgments and avoid criticism and condemnation.  Positive humor and wholesome fun can bring a marriage relationship closer together.  

      14.                        In closing I want to discuss what I feel is the most significant thing that we can do to enrich our marriage.  It has to do with SOFTENING and forgiveness which will release DREAM POWER and vision.  But first, because this lecture has been long and everyone wants dessert, to hold your attention I am going to tell you THE most embarrassing situation that I have ever found myself in.  I was in England in Heathrow airport.  I was heading home to Alberta, I was exhausted, I was hungry, I was lonely for my wife.   I ordered food in a very crowded fast food restaurant and, because I was so hungry and thirsty I asked them to super size it.  I carried this large tray with a large hamburger, a huge order of fries and an extremely large drink in my left hand and carried my bag, my briefcase, my raincoat and umbrella in my right hand.  I was very cumbered. As I walked through the crowd I noticed two couples who stood out due to their size and dress.  The four of them,  all large people who were dressed in suits and evening gowns provided quite a contrast to most of the crowd who wore blue jeans and t shirts.  Since I was tired, my body was weak.  I felt my left wrist starting to buckle under the pressure of all the food on the tray.  To correct for the buckling of my wrist I gave it a little flip which was too pronounced.  In the process I spread French fries, pop and hamburger all over those 2 large, very well dressed couples.  They jumped back with startled looks on their faces because it almost appeared as though I did it intentionally.  I apologized profoundly; the manager came out with towels and broom and told me to go back to the counter to reorder. This was an extremely embarrassing moment in my life.  I kind of wanted to crawl in a hole.  But, since I was still hungry and thirsty I went back to the counter and reordered.  Once I reordered I found myself in a similar situation with a large tray full of a lot of food in my left hand and my 2 bags, coat and umbrella in my right hand.  As I made my way through the crowd I once again felt my left wrist start to buckle under the weight.  I instinctively flipped my wrist to make a correction, which ended up being an over correction and once more I flipped hamburger, French fries, ketchup and pop all over—you guessed it—the same four large people dressed in suits and evening gowns.  Well, no one could believe that this happened again.  They looked aghast, I shook my head in shame and the manager came out a second time with towels and broom.  This time he grabbed my arm, took me to an isolated area and chained me off, and had one of the workers bring my order to me.  As I ate alone and isolated, these four wonderful people, dressed in pop drenched suits and dresses covered with French fries, pop, ketchup and hamburger, came into my quarantined area.  They sat with me and we talked.  They told me they knew what it was like to make mistakes, what it was like to be isolated, what it was like to be shamed.  They told me they were going to Jamaica to an Aunties funeral.  They told me they forgave me.  They reached out to hug me.  They comforted me.  These wonderful PEOPLE FORGAVE ME AND INCLUDED ME in their lives in spite of my errors that did them harm.   In 2002 Elder Ballard gave a General Conference talk entitled THE DOCTRINE OF INCLUSION mainly focusing on how we should treat our neighbors.  My closest neighbor is my wife so I feel that the doctrine of inclusion applies to the husband and wife relationship first and foremost.   If you are hardened towards your spouse you no longer include him or her in your life and you lose the power of the dream.  One woman told me she met her dream man and their hopes of a fulfilling lifestyle started to evolve.  Then he hurt her and she became bitter and hard and wouldn’t include him in her life.  She then hurt him and then they became hard and distanced to each other.  Their dreams of happy family living were dashed because neither would soften, neither would include the other.  You don’t dream together when you feel hard hearted towards each other.  Softening means to forgive, to let go, to feel compassion, to weep together, to have tender moments together.  Softening is an absence of contempt, disgust, annoyance and edginess towards our sweetheart.  Softening requires a change of mind and a change of heart.  PRACTICE SOFT SKILLS    Harvey and Mary Wall made it 81 years as a married couple before Harvey died at age 103.  Mary attributed the longevity of their marriage to this:  we made it a habit to speak kind words to each other.

Percy and Florence Arrowsmith made it just past 81 years of marriage.  Just before 105 year old Percy died, he said that the secret to his 81 year marriage was YES DEAR.  In seriousness he said that the key to a long marriage is not to go to sleep on an argument.  The couple said they always kiss each other and hold hands each night before going to bed.  Florence said  He can’t settle down unless I am holding his hand.

I have believed for a long time that our marital conversation should sound like the voice of angels speaking together with the tongues of angels, which would include giving and receiving encouragement, saying words of love and forgiveness, and kindness as well as offering appropriate apologies, controlling self rather than trying to control spouse.

When you practice softness and softening in the marriage relationship you will find an increase of dream power and the ability to set goals and get on a coarse to make your righteous dreams come true.

All of our marriages are under serious strain as we live in these very trying times.  Many, many stresses come from external sources.  But if we can work to keep our commitment to our spouse and marriage relationship, and if we can learn to appropriately manage our differences, we can avoid fatal flaws.  Then we can work on a variety of skill that will not only help us to survive as a married couple, but will also help us to live on the highest level possible in finding marital satisfaction.  As we work to improve our marriage satisfaction from one positive to the next, we realize that relationship enrichment is an ongoing process.  Marriage can be rewarding and fulfilling, exciting and fun, an adventure that can bring lasting benefits.  If we put in our effort to nourish our marriage relationship, it will flourish.  It is to this end that I pray for each one of us.

And may I close with this one last thought from Diane Sollee:  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  That may be the case.  But the truth is that it takes a lot of sound, stable marriages to create a village.