presentation: HONORING AND NOURISHING WOMANHOOD

My hope is to provide some ideas and examples that might assist each of you to honor and nourish your own womanhood.



HONORING and NOURISHING WOMANHOOD

Stephen ZoBell, PhD

Lethbridge West Stake

January 2016

Years ago, after having served as ward Young Men President, I was released and asked to bear my testimony in sacrament meeting.  I commented that in three years, I had outlasted five young women presidents.  Right after the meeting one of them came to me and asked why I thought I had outlasted five Young Women Presidents.  I thought of my dedicated service---but wanted to know her opinion.  So I said:  Why do you think I outlasted five Young Women Presidents?  She said:  you didn’t get pregnant! 

Clearly, there are a lot of things that I don’t know or understand about women.  But, much of my career was spent in trying to nourish womanhood.  And I want you to know that I honor each of you.  To me, one of the most outrageous tragedies of our modern era, is the dishonoring, disrespect and disregard for womanhood.

I am grateful for the women who have been close to me.  Most especially I appreciate my wife.  Elder Boyd K. Packer (April 1998 General Conference) once said:  The tender hand of the sister gives a gentle touch of healing and encouragement which the hand of a man, however well intentioned, can never quite duplicate.  I experienced that tender hand soon after Barb and I were married.  Just getting ready to graduate from university, I had applied for a professional position with LDS Family Services.  At the first interview, which included both Barb and I, there loomed three, what seemed to be larger than life, high level administrators.  Three of them.  All staring at me.  I was terrified as I seated myself in front of them.  They were tough interviewers.  One of them glared at me and said:  what makes you think you can work for LDS Family Services?  Well, that was the end for me.  My mind froze.  I couldn’t find an answer.  After some clumsy silence, I felt the warm and tender touch of my wife’s hand reach out to hold mine, I felt faith and belief transferred from her spirit to mine.  Finally, with a newfound confidence, I was able to answer the interviewers’ questions. I’m thankful for Barb’s gentle touch of encouragement throughout our lives.

When I was a few years into my profession, my mother in law gave me a little plaque with a saying:  Life is beautiful when one sees beyond it.  Most of the women who sought my support in a professional or ecclesiastical setting were suffering.  They were subjected to pain and disappointment.  Life was anything but beautiful. My hope is to see beyond the surface.  I hope to offer thoughts and examples that will help you to see the beautiful in yourself and strengthen your desire to honor and nourish your own womanhood.

When we are hurt or wounded something inside of us dies.   Sometimes I hear women make statements that bring sadness to me.  I have heard the following, or similar statements made by women:

I’m not good enough, I can’t do this, I’m so stupid.  Negative self-talk can be harmful.  Self-criticism is not nourishing to the soul.

On the other hand, when we can find healing, something inside us begins to live again.  Healing brings nourishment. I have also heard women make wonderful comments about themselves and their experiences:  life is great, I really am happy, I feel that I am loveable and capable, I feel so satisfied with my life.  Positive self-talk is a way of nourishing and honoring the womanhood that is within you.

Of all those who honor womanhood, and can provide true nourishment, no one is comparable to the Savior.  It seems important, then, as a first level priority of honoring womanhood, to get connected to Jesus Christ and stay connected to Him.  This takes daily effort.  Our Savior has a deep and abiding love for all of us.  We are told that He has come with healing in his wings (3 Nephi 25: 2), that because of Him we may have life and have it more abundantly (John 10: 10).  We are told that we can be of good cheer because He has overcome the world (John 16: 33).  I don’t think that anything I could say today is of any value unless it is in the context of the Savior and His glorious truths.

It is my belief that every man, woman and child on this earth should take the example of Jesus Christ and honor womanhood.  Sadly, most do not.  But—we can’t wait around for other people.  One way you can take the initiative to honor and nourish your own womanhood is by giving yourself personalized gifts. 

The first gift to consider is to give yourself the good and positive that is in you.  Seek the positive in yourself, search for those things that are lovely and of good report that you have, and give yourself permission to possess them.  One client of a few years ago I will call Clara.  Clara consistently could not find anything good about herself.  As a young woman she played the clarinet in the band, but quit because she didn’t think she was ‘good enough’.  Clara took swimming lessons and learned to cook.  However, she found fault with her results even though her coaches and parents thought she did well.  She married early and even though her husband was able to see the good and positive in her, Clara couldn’t.  Easily discouraged and quitting at most things, when I met with Clara she was separated.  Her husband had their two children.  She was seriously depressed.  The first thing I did was consult with her physician and he prescribed a mild anti-depressant.  Once her mood stabilized, I provided professional counseling.  It took Clara six full sessions, plus homework, before she finally came to realize that all she could see in herself and all that she said about herself was the negative.  She wanted to make some changes, she wanted to give herself the gift of seeing the good and positive that was within her.  Through a process of goal setting, rescripting and journaling, and a great deal of effort and practice on her part, Clara came to recognize and accept the good and positive about herself.  Before long she was reunited with her family, enjoying life without a counselor and without medication.  Sisters, take the time and effort to give yourself the good and positive that is in you.  It is one way of honoring and nourishing your womanhood.

Second.  Give yourself the gift of encouragement.  As we take our daily walk through life, we all make mistakes.  So we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.  But sometimes we lack the ability to encourage ourselves.  If you think about it, everyone can provide exaggerated encouragement to a small child learning to walk as they take their falls, bumps and bruises.  But not everyone transfers that same cheerleader type encouragement to themselves.  In fact, too many of us berate ourselves mercilessly because of our mistakes, because of our falls.  If we could learn to be as encouraging to ourselves, as we are to a child learning to walk, it would be easier for us to get through our falls, bumps and bruises.  I will tell you a story about a woman I will call Mila.  Years ago I was sitting in an office waiting for a client.  My door was partially open.  Two women were conversing in the hall.  Mila, my client, was one of them.  The other woman was bitterly complaining about herself.  I’m no good, I’m a failure, and I’m disgusted with myself.  On and on she went.  Finally Mila said, you know, you are better than you think you are.  You serve others.  You sacrifice for the church and your family.  I think you should start giving yourself encouragement for the good things you do. And with that, Mila walked into my office, unaware that I had overheard the conversation.  I asked Mila how she was doing.  She started bitterly complaining about herself.  I’m no good, I’m a failure, and I’m disgusted with myself.  I told Mila that I had heard the conversation she had in the hallway, and I quoted her verbatim what she had counseled the other woman:  you are better than you think you are.  You serve others.  You sacrifice for the church and your family.  I think you should start giving yourself encouragement for the good things you do. Mila was shocked that I had quoted her exact comments.  But she was more shocked at my next statement.  I said:  Mila, what would you think about leaving this session early?  Go home and get on a program to follow your own counsel.  Your counsel is sound.  Start giving yourself the gift of encouragement instead of the curse of self-criticism.  Mila glared at me, then stared at me, then broke out into laughter.  You’re right, she said.  And she left the session early.  Three weeks later Mila phoned to report.  I followed the advice I gave to my friend.  I’ve given myself the gift of encouragement.  Consistent encouragement.  For the good things that I do.  And it feels good.  Sisters, to assist in honoring your own womanhood, to provide nourishment to yourself, I hope you will give yourself the gift of encouragement.

Third.  To honor your womanhood give yourself a voice.  Give that gift to yourself to provide nourishment for yourself. A woman I will call Kacey came into her counseling session distraught about mismanaging her life.  She complained that everyone’s opinion, everything she heard on TV, every phrase she overheard in public, every Face Book notation of her friends, had a more powerful influence on her than her own voice.  I asked, what specifically happened today?  She told me that she awoke early to exercise but got on Face Book first.  Two friends made snide remarks about raising teenagers.  Kacey said their comments hit hard, distracting her from exercising.   Then she started breakfast and had an altercation with her daughters.  One of them said:  you’re an idiot mom.   This ignorant comment resounded in Kacey’s mind, so she was distracted from eating breakfast.  She lost her inner voice.  Kacey stopped to get advice from her mother on the way to her counseling session.  Her mother was annoyed at Kacey and told her to be more firm.  Again Kacey felt her voice being stifled. So she left early and parked on the street by my office.  Weeping in her car, Kacey inserted her earplugs to listen to a parenting course on her ipod.  The instructor clearly directed parents of teens to be more casual and less firm.  Kacey was confused about her parenting approach. In my office, with frustrated tears, Kacey blurted:  what am I to do?  This was just the last 4 hours but it goes on day after day after day.  I feel like my voice doesn’t matter.  I have good things to say but can’t find my voice.  

Kacey admitted that her thoughts, feelings and behaviors were being too heavily influenced by the voices and opinions of others, by the ‘whisper on the street’, by gossip and innuendo from others rather than by her own righteous inner voice.  As blessings would have it, Kacey already had an internal resource that she had forgotten about.  Years earlier, when she played field hockey in high school, Kacey had a similar problem.  The strong voices of parents, siblings, relatives and friends, about her playing field hockey, pulled her in many different directions.   As a frustrated teen feeling fragmented, Kacey spoke to her coach.  Here’s the advice he gave her. Kacey, he said, you have a conscience and you have an inner voice.  Set up a hierarchy of opinions.  The bottom level would be ‘trash’, next level ‘interesting opinions’, higher up the hierarchy would be ‘important opinions’, then ‘very important opinions’ and the top of the hierarchy would be ‘my conscience, my own opinion, my own voice’.  And, he said, do it in writing. That will give you power and you can see it work.  Kacey used this hierarchy of opinions as a youth and it worked for her.  Gradually, as she kept a written chart, she came to realize which voices and opinions were of no value, which had some importance, which voices had a great deal of importance and that her own righteous and positive inner voice was the most important of all. As a teenager, Kacey gave herself a voice.  As an adult, through minimal coaching from me, Kacey applied this same ‘hierarchy of opinions’ program.  And it worked.  She was able to give herself the gift of a righteous voice and put the voices and opinions of others in their proper context.  However you choose to do it, give yourself a voice to communicate not only to yourself, but also to others, the righteous nature of your soul.

To assist you in honoring your own womanhood and to help you to find nourishment to your soul, there are so many other gifts you could give to yourself.  In addition to the three I have discussed, you could give yourself the gift of forgiveness, the gift of being kind to yourself, the gift of allowing yourself to experience joy.  You could also give yourself the gift of mercy or the gift of believing in yourself or the gift of self-management.  What about the gift of hope for a bright future?  And many other possible gifts.  So many gifts that you could give yourself.  My suggestion would be that you put yourself on a quest to find more gifts that will enhance, honor and nourish your womanhood.

I am so grateful to speak to you about honoring womanhood.  You all deserve to be honored.  President Russel M. Nelson honored womanhood in our most recent General Conference when he said, quote: We know that the culminating act of all creation was the creation of woman! …Unquote.  Hopefully, you will give yourself the gift of honoring and nourishing your own womanhood.  Be confident and give yourself the good and positive that is within you.  Be fair minded and give yourself the same type of encouragement that you generously give to others.  Be strong and courageous and give yourself a righteous inner voice.